I was a very confused girl. I grew up believing there is no wrong when you can wittingly defend the situation. I'm the kind of person who reads people's thoughts and I make fun of their beliefs thinking no one needs to teach me anything, I can learn it by myself. I stood firm on my ground as a realist and I have defended myself very well until that day....
The day came when I can't explain nor defend me to myself. It's been me against I for too long. Since I'm looking for an answer to the question i didn't even know, I've tried exploring. I dug deeply to the earth's crust trying to find what's missing.
I realized, I've never been happy in my life. I get the things I want, the life I want realizing it's not what i need. The hardest part in life is when you have everything you want but not what you need.
I've been going out searching for happiness. I've tried looking it on
1. friends and family, still, incomplete.
2. material things, it's temporary.
3. relationships, it'll end up hurting each other.
4. school, not enough
5. getting wild on parties, it's lame
I've got a buch who can testify how I lived my life. I lived my life with pride and selfishness. I've made a lot of "so called" friends, and enemies, too. haha. I give gifts to people just to cover up my short comings and just to show the world that I'm good. I speak in a sweet manner but I curse and kill them on the inside. Why? Because, I only love myself. Everything I say is just to psych up people and put me on the pedestal.
PROBLEM IS: I didn't know how to love.
People might think now that I'm cruel and I don't deserve to be happy. That I'm selfish, self proclaimed small girl living in a third world country. ----and i can not argue with that. Because I am (or atleast, I was).
People were right. I don't deserve happiness..
However, someone gave me a glimpse of peace, joy, hope and love. Someone, despite of my imperfections, loves me so deeply that no one has ever loved. This is a true story.
I rejected him for so many times, and I've hurt him almost everyday. He's telling me to pause for a while and rest. But there I was, restlessly running and running to nowhere. I was ashamed of him. But there he was, he kept on calling me day and night.... he just kept on calling.
I still didn't answer. Instead, I go out every night partying with friends and dating different guys. I became so unfaithful.....
You know what?
I fell down and I stumbled.
Every deed I planted reaped a very bad fruit. Where I planted hate, hate I also reaped. Where I planted unfaithfulness, there I reaped unfaithfulness. People laughed at me, and mocked me.
I became alone, naked in the dark. This darkness has consumed my very soul..... and I cried. I cried day and night.
One day, I realized, I'm dead.
I opened my eyes seeing a gleam of light. I stood up and I followed it... I ran so fast because darkness is chasing me. I screamed and I struggled to overcome that darkness.
Then I saw this man (the one who loved me right from the beginning), I saw him shed his blood defending me. He defended me and defeated the darkness. I ran fast to him crying. With my head leaning on his heart, I wept.. I saw him dying. I told him I was sorry..... He smiled and said to me, "It is done."
He died saving me. He offered his blood to me. I didn't deserve it, I didn't ask for it but he gave it freely.
And through my process of dying, I became alive again. But now, with hope, peace and unending love.Through him, I learned what happiness is. How to fight for what I love and how to die that others may live.
I am looking forward in seeing him again where there is an eternal life, that's what he promised. And while waiting, I'll live my life the best way I can. To give him what he deserves. Guess what? Since that time I was reborn, my life has never been this clear and I've been happy every single day...... I'm living the "happily ever after" story. True story.
oh, by the way, His name is Jesus, He is the lover of my soul.